Oddly, I've already gotten an email regarding my new attitude lately. How coincidental or something.

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Me to friend:

I feel at odds with ppl, with things, whatever. I have been getting frustrated that when I try to do something new or different, I end up doing them by myself. Sometimes I just don't know how to act or what to do with myself. When that happens, I tend to freeze up and be diffident.

I'm not happy with how things are. So I gotta make a change somewhere. Part of it is my job & home life. Another part is taking a look at my friends and my interactions with them. Some days I think I am unintentionally being like Van was earlier this year, withdrawn, distant or difficult. Other times, I'm just trying to do the things I want, without letting others influence me. Trying to stand up for myself, get respect, though I don't always go abt it the right way.

I still love dancing, but I'm not that a big partier anymore. Yes, I am being guarded even around ppl I've known for years. But I don't know how else to be. Sometimes it's easier with new ppl. There's not usually some weirdness or awkwardness there, even when I'm the one that started it. I'm not trying to blame anyone. And if I'm having the issues with most ppl, then maybe it is more me, than it’s them, but that doesn't make it any less valid.

I’ve reached the conclusion that it’s better to do things on my own than to simply not do them cuz I can’t find anyone else to do them. But that doesn’t mean I’m completely happy with that decision either. So maybe it reflects when I’m hanging out with you all. The days of [our old group] are gone. The group dynamic or whatever has shifted another direction. It’s not only me, but maybe a large part of it is. Fine, but I don’t want the same old things and I’m trying to make some changes. I’ve been trying to find other ppl to go to plays and clubs, like Kaliente and Butta, with me so that I won’t resent it when you all say no. It’s hard sometimes; I don’t want to take it personally, but sometimes that’s how it feels. It maybe a question of the chicken & egg; hard to tell now which is the cause and which is the effect. Regardless that’s how things are now and have been for at least the last month.

So this turned into a long response and honestly it was me searching for an answer, rather than just me answering you. Hopefully this was explanatory and not accusatory to you or anyone else. What of it what you will, I guess.