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| new beginnings? |
| 06.05.04 (2:09 pm) [edit] |
I'm wasting another day inside on the computer. Worse is that's since it's Saturday, I could actually be outside at the park right now. But I've been catching up on crap. Though I did not get around to doing my traffic school online. Will have to save that for another time.
Last night was good, though I did pack a lot in. Either by themselves would've been enough to call it a night. It was good to see my old friends. Sure I was quiet and didn't interact all that much. But sometimes that's a good change. Just to sit back and watch goes on all around. To not be the center. To not be the glue that brings everyone together. To be the new thing, not the old girl who's always there. With the first group I was just reminded why I used to hang out with 'em. Why I had always liked 'em even when I don't know them all that well just yet. And I was freshly reminded why I used to have a crush on her. Nothing like being missed, getting hugs and being called sweet! Just gotta find someone without a gf to tell me all that.
Eve at the Factory was good too. I prolly should not have done all that on the same day. After less than normal sleep Thursday night, and the "How to Supervise People" seminar all day, the Ho, I was dragging by the end of the night. My ankle was aching by the end of all the dancing. Eve reminded me a lot of Backstreet. Large club, different rooms, lots of girls all doing their own thing. Eve must be the place. We ran into so many ppl. And Alicia, Diana and Roseanne don't count cuz we all knew they were gonna be there. But it's all the other girls whom we didn't know would be there. Sometimes it really is a small dyke world, but it's still rare to see them all at the same club same night. We may have finally found something to do on the first weekend of a month.
I'm not sure what's up with my drinking. I don't drink when we go to the Cafe or Eve. I just dance and enjoy myself. I go to a friend's house to hang out and watch a movie, and I have a couple beers. I go to the Ho on a week night to hang out, and I only have one vodka cranberry early on. It's just weird. Is it a new responsibility? Brought on by what? My friends' DUI's? My stay in Mexico? Just wanting something to be different? I'm not complaining cuz I've still been having fun, but just a different kinda fun. I still miss getting buzzed and having a good ol' time. But I'm aiming for that everytime I go out. I wish I could've done that yesterday evening. Joined the girls on their level of drunkeness, but I knew I still had to drive over to SF and meet up with my other friends.
Maybe it's just another step in the realization that I'm not fully happy right now. That I want more out of my life. Work, school, personal- none of it's shaping up the way I want it to. Maybe Mexico gave me some perspective. Or maybe it's just the simple passage of time. I don't know.
It's kinda like the push to go camping this weekend. I just wanted to get away. Do something different. Get away. Just something else. Honestly I don't see myself being all that active. I was envisioning just relaxing with a good book. I was even tempted to go by myself. But I think I need to go camping with others once more first. I know I'd forget something if I had gone by myself this weekend. And I know that it'd prolly have looked odd to have gone off even for just the one night of camping by myself.
I don't know how to get away from being concerned abt what others may say or think. I don't wish to offend or be thought of as some oddity. I watch what I say for fear of it coming back to bite me on the ass. From An Old Fashioned Girl by Lousia May Alcott, "Polly was mad, but she held her tongue..., fearing to say something she would be sorry for afterward." (p120) This is just something that has always stuck with me. Not that quote exactly, but the senitment. A lil of that is good, but I admire those that don't seem to care abt other's reactions too.
Okies it's after 3pm, I could go catch whatever sunshine is still left.
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posted by: thisnameistaken (reply)
post date: 06.05.04 (2:55 pm)
great post!
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