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keeping busy with nothing
03.30.05 (1:02 pm)   [edit]

Of course, I'm sleepy & sluggish again today. But I do have something to look forward to. I think I am going to ask my boss to let me skip out early. I just don't have much to do. If I get up to SF early, I could have dinner with the visiting girls before the play this evening. Sucks that my friend flaked on me last night. Now I'll have to drive back home tonight and back to up to SF tomorrow morning in time to catch the tour bus at 9 am. I am a little worried about that. I'm gonna have to leave so early! Cuz it would totally suck to get stuck in traffic. Melissa Ferrick show in the evening. Then back home again. Working Friday, then back up to SF for dinner & dancing. Back home again that same night. Just to turn around and head back up on Saturday to show the girls around town more. Wow, guess I'm gonna have to come home again Sat evening, shit. Sat, night I can stay over with them at least. I'll be home in plenty of time Sunday morning. So much driving, in such little time. And gas prices are so high too.


I need to stop being quite so lethargic. Take the time to think & plan. Figure out what I want to do. Pursue school fulltime or continue working. I wonder for how long I could pull off just taking classes and not really working. How would that go over? Could I maintain my motivation and make it through? How long financially could I hold out working fulltime? Does that mean I'd have to continue on at home? Can't move to SF for even longer? I don't know what my priority here is. Just change and soon. I'm getting stagnant in my job now. It's mind-numbing and draining. I crave change.


Of course, I didn't get the changes I wanted. I mean what's changed so far hasn't been anything I planned. Some good; some bad; some just unexpected. But sometimes, I think that's just life. Others, I wonder what I did to make this all come abt. Bah. Can't even think to type this anymore.

 
6 months later
03.15.05 (1:40 pm)   [edit]
You didn't say hi. You didn't smile. You didn't even nod. But then neither did I. I was surprised to see you there and just didn't know how to approach. You were surrounded by your friends; I was still alone. Maybe you didn't notice me walking past. I don't see how that could be the case; there just weren't that many other people around. I knew we weren't friends anymore, if we ever were. I just expected something different. Maybe you were just caught off guard, like I was. If I'd thought abt it, I could've anticipated that we'd have run into each other there. That's how we met; we have similar interests.
 
cookie cookie
03.15.05 (11:47 am)   [edit]

I dreamed I was eating a cookie. All of a sudden someone called out that it was chocolate chip. And I was left trying to figure out if I should spit out the rest of the cookie, which was still mostly in cookie form, or if the damage had already been done and just to swallow the rest. And because others were watching I did indeed spit out the chocolate chip cookie. I looked at the package it came from. It had been two cookies in one package. I had already eaten the first cookie without incident. Mislabled or misread, the package contained one chocolate chip cookie and one plain jane cookie.


Odd, how much deciding to give up chocolate for the year affects me. I've done quite well with it actually. I was afriad that I'd forget and it'd slip my mind until the chocolate was already being savored in my mouth. But that hasn't happened yet. I've managed to stick with it. Unfortunately, it's hasn't meant that I've totally given up sweets. Though I don't really care for other had candies, I've found they're better than nothing. I have to pick non-chocolatey flavors for my ice cream! That bites. I can't share in the monthly office birthday cake. No real hardship there. But so many things that just hadn't occurred to me. Partly a test of will power, test of memory, and just being able to follow through.

 
Leo sun & rising
03.01.05 (4:07 pm)   [edit]

Astrology mumbojumbo from http://www.astro.com" title="http://www.astro.com" target="_blank"http://www.astro.com I only picked the parts that I felt some conntection with


Your sun sign is Leo. This is the sign in which the Sun is in your birth chart. Your Ascendant is also in Leo, and your Moon is in Capricorn.


The Moon in Capricorn exerts a strong influence on your personality and, although internally you are not like this, others view you as cautious, responsible, practical, ambitious, and hard-working. You are made to be cautious in love, although internally you would like to act more spontaneously. You are at your best in any circle in which your natural urges can be reasonably expressed. Therefore you are better suited to lead than to serve. In life you will act with a rather frank, generous, and amiable disposition. You will be generally regarded as an amiable, sincere and generous person who, however, has much pride and sensitivity. Another aspect of this zodiacal sign is that your personality becomes excessively charged with passion and sexual desire. It would be beneficial to you, however, if you were not so candid and frank and if you did not expect others to act and feel as you do. Leo will grant you very sincere and affectionate relationships in which you desire to bring happiness and an overall feeling of charitable spirit and warmth to your loved one. In your sexual relationships you appear as happy, strong, playful and even a little innocent. You will always act better as a leader than a subordinate. This position gives you a tendency to act inconspicuously most of the time. You are interested in bringing clarity to all matters; investigating, doing research. The position also denotes a power for interpretation and much of your time is spent with the purpose of self- analysis. You have the capacity to accept misfortune with understanding and then to react with sentiment. Saturn is in the first house. Saturn's placement here gives you a conservative, sometimes gloomy and self-denying outlook on life. Because every contact is of great importance, you tend to be rather detached and even aloof so that you can be sure exactly where you stand. You can be self-conscious and may feel awkward and prudish with others who appear to take things more lightly. The depth with which you look at yourself is characteristic of the way you relate to others. You were taught very early in life to be self-reliant. Saturn conjunct the Ascendant indicates that you are conservative and self-disciplined. You tend to be shy about asserting yourself, so people may assume you are indifferent to them. Your lack of self-confidence will eventually be replaced by self-assurance as you learn through experience to understand yourself. You do not have the kind of aggressive drive that impresses people on first meeting, but you show reliability, and they learn to depend on you. You are efficient in mobilizing your resources and are sure to realize your goals, but you underestimate your abilities. Learn to love yourself more, so you can feel you deserve the good things in life that you work for so diligently. You can be victimized by people who take advantage of your unwillingness to fight for your rights, but you never forget such incidents. The Moon was found in your sixth house at the time of birth. Psychologically, this position inclines you to act through subordinate roles rather than those of leadership. You strive for peace and harmony and if it were left up to you the whole world would be more humane, kind, and considerate. Internally, you are quite different from the way you present yourself externally. You possess a vast reservoir of energy that may be partially hidden even from your own awareness.