I just should’ve written last week. It could’ve been a glowing review of Pride or something. It prolly would’ve been titled “Where’s J2?” That was the refrain from last Sunday at Pride. I asked it so many times. Others said it as well. It was rather ridiculous. From the girl who is usually tied to us at the hip kept disappearing. I guess it was the shopping that drew her away from us. For me, it was all old hat. Cursory glance and I was done. I was more interested in the swag and freebies. Had to get my magazines. My Pride wasn’t bad. It wasn’t great, but they never have been. I got to drink on Saturday night and that was good. I think I’ve been doing quite well lately. Don’t usually drink at all when we go out. Or I just have one drink early in the evening. It was kinda a hard switch, changing the mentality. And I’ve wondered if my friends think I’m less fun; I wonder if I'm less fun to be around too. On the one hand I know I am. Cuz it does make me more serious than they are. But if there’s dancing to be had, then I can normally be on their level as well. But I do still like drinking. I can’t explain it. And I don’t know that I even want to fully understand it. As a once in a while thing it’s not bad at all. But I can’t do the gotta have a drink every day deal. Nothing too much has happened in the last week. But at the same time something has totally changed. I’d have bet money that one-day could never change it. I’d have bet that it wasn’t just gonna suddenly do a 180. I’m not really complaining, cuz so far it’s working. But I hope I’ve learned my lesson and won’t extend myself too far. I understand the feelings that prompted the change. But that doesn't just void out everything else that I know as well. I’ve gotta find some middle ground. I get in these funks sometimes. I’m not even sure exactly what it is. A giant cycle? I can handle being alone, on my own. But I think I’m coming to realize it’s better when I’ve actively chosen it. When it’s kinda forced upon me because no one else is available or wants to do what I want, then it weighs heavily upon me. I’m dragged down. Sometimes with a good book I can overcome it. But I just wasn’t in a reading mood yesterday, I guess. Or was it just that I didn’t have the right book to draw my interest? I’ve been reading like crazy lately. One book right after another. Barely any pause in between. I’m not sure that really helps my understanding though. I’ve got less than 2 weeks now to read Life of Pi. I prolly should’ve started it already. But I’ve been delaying that by reading other books so far. My mother just told me, “You need a great relationship to cure that, one with God. There is a satisfaction that fills that void, I know personally.” How are you supposed to respond to that? Say no, that’s not true? Maybe for you, but not for me? My relationship and understanding with God doesn’t work like that? There’s no right answer. Not one that’s gonna satisfy us both. Does she even understand what I’m trying to express? I’m not looking for fulfillment from another individual. And that includes God. They say you gotta be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. And I think that means God too. I’m not going to get into religion or politics here. I usually avoid them both like the plague. I’ve got my views and opinions and I don’t usually feel the need to get into them with others. To each their own, and all that good nonsense. So, still means I was up until 4 am last night. I could’ve joined M1 & N1 at the Café. It wasn’t too late after all when M1 called. I’m glad she did, but I felt bad abt talking so long when she was already hanging out with someone else. Maybe I just need to get back into the habit of calling ppl. Calling my friends, those that live farther away and I don’t get to see all that often. Calling my family that I miss and am so clueless abt their lives these days. I need think beyond the here and now, whatever is directly in front of my face. Sometimes I do feel too self-absorbed. I don’t remember to ask how someone sick is doing. I don’t stay abreast of what’s going on in my friends’ lives, not from curiosity, but from compassion or whatever. It just feels like a cycle cuz I know I’ve been here before. And right now I have no reason to think it won’t come again. I’ve had the travel bug lately. Just wanted to get out and away from it all. But not the retreat from the city that my mother or grandmother even would want. Just from my life now. It’s not how or where I want it to be. And once again the changes to get it to where I’d enjoy it more seem monumental. I don’t know if I’m realistically some place where I can implement them. New home. New job. New gf. Are they just dreams, or are they going to happen soon. How long can I just sit back and wait for them to happen? Is just changing everything the answer? Can I skip steps? Is that just cheating? Will I regret it later? There usually isn’t room for regrets. There’s no going back and all that drivel. Once again many things to think abt. But will I actually devote the necessary effort to it? Or will I just allow myself to be swept up in the next thing? Always looking for something to lose myself in? Ignore what I need to be doing? For the mere sake of the easy? For that which requires no thought, no reflection? I’m done with this. I should be working, but we know how unlikely that is. But I can at least get this published before it’s time to think abt heading out of here. Maybe I do need to find a new focus. Maybe I should volunteer or something. Get me some perspective and shit. I dunno.