It's kinda a toss up for what's my most exciting news. Is it that after 6 years of being loyaly emplyed by NRT, I've finally given my notice? Or is it that I've bought myself a kayak? Or that I've decided to go back to school fulltime in the fall? I'm not even sure which I'm the most excited about. Maybe the kayak, because that should be simple enough. Though I haven't yet gone out in it. I still need a paddle, seat back and spray jacket.

I won't miss my job once I leave it. I will miss some of the people though. I'll be able to keep in contact or hear important news through my aunt. She's not gonna be leaving anytime soon. School is a little scary of an undertaking. It's been so long since I've taken school seriously. Even that summer English class was two years ago. I should've taken a class this summer, but I let it slip past.

The goal had been to just finish up some more general ed at Foothill College and then to transfer for the spring semester. Now that I've taken a look at what classes I'm missing from the IGETC, I think it may take more than one quarter to finish up. I guess I'll have to decide if it's worth staying at Foothill the extra time to finish them, or to get into a 4 year school sooner. Most schools' deadlines for the spring are in August. That gives me another month to decide. I don't know if I'll be ready to apply then or not.

Wed night, I went to go see a lesbian play in SF. Not a biggie. Then afterwards S2 (just a friend) & I went over to the Lex. The Lex is the dyke bar. It's the only full time dyke bar in SF. I say dyke, cuz it's not usually your normal  suburban lesbians- it's the more punk, tattooed and pierced, unwashed, dreads, etc. The type that I don't exactly fit in with, cuz I don't have a chain on my wallet or a studded belt. (Any of which, feel free to get me for my bday, haha)

Anyways back to the story. So Wed night, I'm walking into this bar, still wearing my work clothes, which aren't all that casual. Even in my jeans, I wouldn't have matched; so I definitely ain't in my blue striped button-up shirt, dark slacks, and worst of all slip-on dress shoes (not heels or loafers.) I'm walking in, talking on my cell, of course. I'm talking to M1, trying to see if we'll be there long enough for her to join us.

S2 is right in front of me. Just as I get to the door, I totally trip. BIG TRIP. Almost-fall-on-my-face-ri ght-in-front-of-all-these -dykes-trip. I forgot abt the damn step up into the bar. I totally kicked it and stubbed my toe on the concrete. It made this loud noise as I smacked my foot down hard to catch myself from following. S2 didn't notice. I was hoping no one else really did either. But then I had to explain to M1, why I couldn't finish my sentence; why I was kinda laughing. So maybe if they didn't see me do it, they all heard me admit that like a big dork, I almost fell right on my ass, or worse face.

Of course, I'm sleepy & sluggish again today. But I do have something to look forward to. I think I am going to ask my boss to let me skip out early. I just don't have much to do. If I get up to SF early, I could have dinner with the visiting girls before the play this evening. Sucks that my friend flaked on me last night. Now I'll have to drive back home tonight and back to up to SF tomorrow morning in time to catch the tour bus at 9 am. I am a little worried about that. I'm gonna have to leave so early! Cuz it would totally suck to get stuck in traffic. Melissa Ferrick show in the evening. Then back home again. Working Friday, then back up to SF for dinner & dancing. Back home again that same night. Just to turn around and head back up on Saturday to show the girls around town more. Wow, guess I'm gonna have to come home again Sat evening, shit. Sat, night I can stay over with them at least. I'll be home in plenty of time Sunday morning. So much driving, in such little time. And gas prices are so high too.

I need to stop being quite so lethargic. Take the time to think & plan. Figure out what I want to do. Pursue school fulltime or continue working. I wonder for how long I could pull off just taking classes and not really working. How would that go over? Could I maintain my motivation and make it through? How long financially could I hold out working fulltime? Does that mean I'd have to continue on at home? Can't move to SF for even longer? I don't know what my priority here is. Just change and soon. I'm getting stagnant in my job now. It's mind-numbing and draining. I crave change.

Of course, I didn't get the changes I wanted. I mean what's changed so far hasn't been anything I planned. Some good; some bad; some just unexpected. But sometimes, I think that's just life. Others, I wonder what I did to make this all come abt. Bah. Can't even think to type this anymore.

I dreamed I was eating a cookie. All of a sudden someone called out that it was chocolate chip. And I was left trying to figure out if I should spit out the rest of the cookie, which was still mostly in cookie form, or if the damage had already been done and just to swallow the rest. And because others were watching I did indeed spit out the chocolate chip cookie. I looked at the package it came from. It had been two cookies in one package. I had already eaten the first cookie without incident. Mislabled or misread, the package contained one chocolate chip cookie and one plain jane cookie.

Odd, how much deciding to give up chocolate for the year affects me. I've done quite well with it actually. I was afriad that I'd forget and it'd slip my mind until the chocolate was already being savored in my mouth. But that hasn't happened yet. I've managed to stick with it. Unfortunately, it's hasn't meant that I've totally given up sweets. Though I don't really care for other had candies, I've found they're better than nothing. I have to pick non-chocolatey flavors for my ice cream! That bites. I can't share in the monthly office birthday cake. No real hardship there. But so many things that just hadn't occurred to me. Partly a test of will power, test of memory, and just being able to follow through.

Astrology mumbojumbo from http://www.astro.com" title="http://www.astro.com" target="_blank"http://www.astro.com I only picked the parts that I felt some conntection with

Your sun sign is Leo. This is the sign in which the Sun is in your birth chart. Your Ascendant is also in Leo, and your Moon is in Capricorn.

The Moon in Capricorn exerts a strong influence on your personality and, although internally you are not like this, others view you as cautious, responsible, practical, ambitious, and hard-working. You are made to be cautious in love, although internally you would like to act more spontaneously. You are at your best in any circle in which your natural urges can be reasonably expressed. Therefore you are better suited to lead than to serve. In life you will act with a rather frank, generous, and amiable disposition. You will be generally regarded as an amiable, sincere and generous person who, however, has much pride and sensitivity. Another aspect of this zodiacal sign is that your personality becomes excessively charged with passion and sexual desire. It would be beneficial to you, however, if you were not so candid and frank and if you did not expect others to act and feel as you do. Leo will grant you very sincere and affectionate relationships in which you desire to bring happiness and an overall feeling of charitable spirit and warmth to your loved one. In your sexual relationships you appear as happy, strong, playful and even a little innocent. You will always act better as a leader than a subordinate. This position gives you a tendency to act inconspicuously most of the time. You are interested in bringing clarity to all matters; investigating, doing research. The position also denotes a power for interpretation and much of your time is spent with the purpose of self- analysis. You have the capacity to accept misfortune with understanding and then to react with sentiment. Saturn is in the first house. Saturn's placement here gives you a conservative, sometimes gloomy and self-denying outlook on life. Because every contact is of great importance, you tend to be rather detached and even aloof so that you can be sure exactly where you stand. You can be self-conscious and may feel awkward and prudish with others who appear to take things more lightly. The depth with which you look at yourself is characteristic of the way you relate to others. You were taught very early in life to be self-reliant. Saturn conjunct the Ascendant indicates that you are conservative and self-disciplined. You tend to be shy about asserting yourself, so people may assume you are indifferent to them. Your lack of self-confidence will eventually be replaced by self-assurance as you learn through experience to understand yourself. You do not have the kind of aggressive drive that impresses people on first meeting, but you show reliability, and they learn to depend on you. You are efficient in mobilizing your resources and are sure to realize your goals, but you underestimate your abilities. Learn to love yourself more, so you can feel you deserve the good things in life that you work for so diligently. You can be victimized by people who take advantage of your unwillingness to fight for your rights, but you never forget such incidents. The Moon was found in your sixth house at the time of birth. Psychologically, this position inclines you to act through subordinate roles rather than those of leadership. You strive for peace and harmony and if it were left up to you the whole world would be more humane, kind, and considerate. Internally, you are quite different from the way you present yourself externally. You possess a vast reservoir of energy that may be partially hidden even from your own awareness.

I started out today in such a good, jovial mood. Now I'm just barely staying awake. It's been a slow, dull day. I had a really good weekend, kinda just out of the blue. Had something planned for each day. Course things don't turn out as planned, but this weekend the twists were interesting ones. I don't wanna go into details now. Maybe cuz I'm sleepy, lazy, ready to leave or I've just plain told the story too many times. It's hard to wait for writing to be the first telling. I've not shared my pics from my November trip to DR or the January cruise just because I was trying to work on the wording first.

I have ups and downs, lefts and rights, and just go in cycles for days at a time. Not a bad thing; not a good thing; that’s just life for me. I had friends saying sorry for things that they had nothing to do with. Bizarre at times. Yes, I'm always late, but am I really ever hours late without a reason? Do I ever get that lost? Lost in thought yes, physically lost? I don't think so; not in a long time.

Alrighty, I'm out of here. I could and should write more, but I can get out of the office and that's just way more tempting. One day, I will learn to overcome my procrastination, but today just isn't that day.

July 29 1977
7:19 AM Time Zone is CDT
Des Moines, IA

From Astrolabe http://www.alabe.com/freechar...

Rising Sign is in 19 Degrees Leo
You love to be the center of attention and you want to appear strong, confident and dominant. You are very proud of yourself, sometimes quite vain even. When all around you are bedraggled and falling apart, you look like a million bucks! Very dignified and honorable, you enjoy the power and privilege, but not the responsibilities, that come with leadership. You are very idealistic but can also be quite stubborn. Others impress you only if they have integrity (but wealth, power and influence can also turn your head). You prefer rich, elegant surroundings and possessions, and will try to acquire them as your budget allows. Physically, you are very impressive - - at your best you have a regal, charismatic demeanor and bearing. Try not to be such a showoff!

Sun is in 06 Degrees Leo.
More than a bit of a showoff, you love to be the center of attention! But others do not usually mind because they tend to enjoy your genuine warmth and affection. Very spirited and willful, proud and self-important at times, you demand your own way. You are quite honest, however, and the respect of others is very important to you. You never compromise yourself and you pursue your goals with persistence and dedication. Your regal presence and demeanor draws you to positions of leadership and authority. But beware of being overly hardheaded, domineering, ostentatious or patronizing or you will lose the goodwill and admiration that you enjoy. Very theatrical, you live life on a grand scale wherever and whenever possible. Your strength and energy vitalizes those who come in contact with you.

Moon is in 23 Degrees Capricorn.
You are serious and shy and very uncomfortable in those situations where spontaneous and exuberant emotional reactions seem called for. An achiever, you prefer doing practical, worthwhile things that produce tangible results. You need role models to respect, love and emulate. You tend to feel that you're a failure unless you get an important and highly respected position in life. Don't be so hard on yourself! For you, practical needs always win out over emotional considerations. Remember that you too have the right to comfort, security and love. Dutiful and patient, when you make an emotional commitment, you sign on for the long haul -- your love is long- enduring.

Oddly, I've already gotten an email regarding my new attitude lately. How coincidental or something.

____________________

Me to friend:

I feel at odds with ppl, with things, whatever. I have been getting frustrated that when I try to do something new or different, I end up doing them by myself. Sometimes I just don't know how to act or what to do with myself. When that happens, I tend to freeze up and be diffident.

I'm not happy with how things are. So I gotta make a change somewhere. Part of it is my job & home life. Another part is taking a look at my friends and my interactions with them. Some days I think I am unintentionally being like Van was earlier this year, withdrawn, distant or difficult. Other times, I'm just trying to do the things I want, without letting others influence me. Trying to stand up for myself, get respect, though I don't always go abt it the right way.

I still love dancing, but I'm not that a big partier anymore. Yes, I am being guarded even around ppl I've known for years. But I don't know how else to be. Sometimes it's easier with new ppl. There's not usually some weirdness or awkwardness there, even when I'm the one that started it. I'm not trying to blame anyone. And if I'm having the issues with most ppl, then maybe it is more me, than it’s them, but that doesn't make it any less valid.

I’ve reached the conclusion that it’s better to do things on my own than to simply not do them cuz I can’t find anyone else to do them. But that doesn’t mean I’m completely happy with that decision either. So maybe it reflects when I’m hanging out with you all. The days of [our old group] are gone. The group dynamic or whatever has shifted another direction. It’s not only me, but maybe a large part of it is. Fine, but I don’t want the same old things and I’m trying to make some changes. I’ve been trying to find other ppl to go to plays and clubs, like Kaliente and Butta, with me so that I won’t resent it when you all say no. It’s hard sometimes; I don’t want to take it personally, but sometimes that’s how it feels. It maybe a question of the chicken & egg; hard to tell now which is the cause and which is the effect. Regardless that’s how things are now and have been for at least the last month.

So this turned into a long response and honestly it was me searching for an answer, rather than just me answering you. Hopefully this was explanatory and not accusatory to you or anyone else. What of it what you will, I guess.

The purge has started. I'm getting rid of the extra shit in my life. So far it's only been unused email addresses and phone numbers. If I won't ever call or write someone, then I really don't need to retain that info.

The purge has been going in other ways since the beginning of summer. I'm culling my friends or something. Making less time for those that don't make the cut. It's quality not quantity that counts. A few of the right kind are so much better than a dozen of the wrong ones. This isn't so easily accomplished. It's much harder to drop a friend, especially one that you share with other friends. I've done it with my family as well, but in a less severe way. I only talk to those I'm closest too. I still love the rest, but I don't need their drama up close. The rare occasions I see them will have to suffice.

This weekend, I'll be going thru some of my physical possessions. I've long been a pack rat in training; it's long past time for that to change. Before I move I really need less stuff. And I need to figure out a way to get it organized and keep it that way.

The hardest purge will be of this job that I have now. After 5 years, I'm attached to it, though I know I have no future here. It's time for a change. I just need to be mature and pro-active enough to go out an initiate the change. I know I can do it; it won't be simple, but it'll be worth it.

Out with the old; in with the new.

Daily Leo Forecast
Quickie: Sometimes it's best to hold your tongue. Get out a pen instead. Write it down.
Overview: You've been attracting your fair share of attention, and probably a bit more. That won't change any time soon, which may leave someone green with envy. Smile for the camera.
Daily flirt (by Astrology.com)
You need to get back down to bedrock. No, not the Flintstones town -- you need to get in touch with your deepest self and fundamental motivations. Once you're feeling centered again, you'll find the confidence you need

I don't use a pen but I do tend to write things down rather than blab abt them. Why is it so much easier to write/type than it is to tell someone something in person or even on the phone? Why can't I say the things that I need to? Why do I delay and dither and make things worse?

And there's no reason for anyone to be jealous of me these days. Definitely don't have my shit together. But then again I'm just being pissy today. Restlessness last night wasn't really resolved. Carry over until today and suckiness. Ugh I want my good mood of the last few days back.

Anyways, in the spirit of the year and trying new things, I'm going camping again this weekend. That's not new, but this time around it's just me going. Mostly cuz I only booked it last week, but I've been wanting to go this weekend for a while and to San Juis Reservoir for months. And trying to stick to my motto of not letting others influence my decision on what to do or not do, I'm going ahead and going solo. It's more pressure, cuz I have to make sure I have everything I need. Not as easy as purchasing my season play tickets was yesterday. Oh well that's life.

I've got time right now. So I'm gonna write more. I'm gonna expound upon Silentwordz thoughts. There really is no substitute for human contact. I don’t mean just general interaction. I mean actual touching. Doesn’t have to be sexual or even intimate. Hugs are great; something I’ve just re-learned in the last couple of years. Pats on the shoulder. Brush of the legs. It’s all good. And it’s all missed when it’s not there.

My favorite seems to be dancing. Kinda an odd format to be seeking human interaction but it works for me. With the right song or the right person, you can be right there face to face. Or back to back. Or back to front; front to back. It’s quite humorous. Well a smile is on my face, so something’s good. It doesn’t have to be freaking, though I don’t mind that. Simply grooving to the music in synch with someone else? That’s heady. I don’t wanna lose the beat. This weekend we had a “freak train.” Those are usually more joking than not. I was on next to the end. The girl on the end, looking back along the rest of the train, said something abt them not having any rhythm. I can only hope she wasn’t including me in that. I’ve been told I do have rhythm. Laters, the same girl was behind me, so I backed up so we could be back to back dancing, joining our two cabooses to make a bigger train.  Somehow that worked, worked really well. I think we were all amazed we could move that well together. I don’t know how drunk they all were. I wasn’t. Two drinks won’t buzz me.

If I concentrate, but not too hard, I can move with the music. I love that. I’m working really hard at being able to stay on the dance floor by myself. It’s a hard thing for me. Something I’m completely conscious of. I still can’t really start out by myself. It’s best if a group us go and they wander off but there’s still good music on. I worked on that on Sunday. I stayed mostly dancing once we got started. I wanted the others to come back, but I wasn’t sweating it that they didn’t. I was just enjoying the music and the dancing for what it was.

There’s more I want to say, but I’m trying to stick to the theme of human touch here. Dancing is an easy way for me to get my fill of it. Saturday, I did get a back massage. But not all touch is good! Eek! It was a lil too rough for me and Sunday my back was sore. I could almost still feel the fingers pressing on my back. It wasn’t intentional; it couldn’t have been intentional, not from that girl. Maybe others enjoy it like that. There was more casual touching among us all, but nothing else really stands out. Just the bladder incident. I’m realizing again looks can be deceiving. Or maybe it’s just preconceived notions? Maybe I assumed what she was like before I knew her. Maybe that’s why I was caught off guard. Her ass comment caught me off guard as well. But that just made me laugh.

Then again others are freer with their bodies. It’s not such a big deal if someone touches them. I’m not that open. I couldn’t be the one saying “high, no higher” until their hand is at my breasts. I can’t do that. Not in public, not even in jest. I can be the one to go along with it, but not the instigator.

There’s the other side. When it’s in appropriate, unappreciated. I prolly veer more towards being too cautious, but it seems better than the alternative. You don’t want to be the one crossing boundaries. Stepping over the line. Making ppl wonder why you’re acting like that. Help me if I ever become like that!

So I'm skipping my Vegas story for now. Maybe I'll work on it this week since it's gonna be another slow one. Instead I’ll just write abt some of the other stuff that’s been going on. Which is mostly a lot of nothing. Or it’s just mostly the same old things. Haven’t totally lost their appeal, but no long anything special.

Sunday I had my first volunteer shift at NCTC. It was even easier than could be imagined. Just stand there, tear everyone’s stubs, hand them a playbill, assume they know where their seat is. Supposed to show ppl, but most wanted to figure it out on their own. I was willing to let them. I only had to get one teenage girl to move out of an older gentleman’s seat. Couple guys in the last row saw in the wrong seats, oops, but since we weren’t full I didn’t make them move. And best of all! I had a front row center seat to all the action. It’s not a very big theatre, but it was still awesome to be so close.

I must admit I didn’t have my normal high after seeing a performance. But maybe it was the excessive heat. Or having to buy a belt before I could go dancing. I know my friends thought I was a dork cuz it took me an hour to get the belt and get over to the Café. Sides why did I need to rush over there? Just cuz they’re bored? Whatever, silly girls.

I’m back again to almost liking someone just cuz they’re friendly. Well it’s more than just that. Sometimes in the initial stages of friendship, I can get confused. And it’s bad. I can be a big jokester too. Just flirting cuz it’s harmless. So I dunno why I get confused. Maybe cuz it feels good, but I know it’s wrong too. But then again how else does the real thing start? Can’t it have the same beginnings? I dunno. I just have to think things thru. Be aware when someone is just jibing me and when someone’s digging me. Maybe it’s cuz I’m attracted to those that can joke around with me and make me laugh. That’ something friends do. So sometimes the lines get blurred. Not really complaining. Just stating the case.

Some how I’m still vaguely in contact with the girls from July. Well the first one dropped out, but that doesn’t surprise me that it went no further than the play. The second I’ve hung out with a couple times and I’m still not sure what to think of it. But since nothing’s come of it, I’m sure we’re just friends. The third and fourth would prolly have better potential if we ever meet. It was a lil clearer what we’re all looking for. I dunno which would come up to snuff first, arrange a meeting up. So when I thought I was back to ground zero, I’m not somehow. But I am still considering placing my own ad. That’d maybe help me get what I’m looking for. Put myself out there. Have to see.

INSTRUCTIONS: Copy this whole list into your journal. Bold the things that are true about you. Whatever you don’t bold is false.

1. I miss somebody right now. 2. I don’t watch much TV these days. 3. I love olives. 4. I love sleeping. 5. I own lots of books. 6. I wear glasses or contact lenses. 7. I love to play video games. 8. I’ve tried marijuana. 9. I’ve watched porn movies. 10. I have been in a threesome. 11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. 12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy. 13. I have acne free skin. 14. I like and respect Al Sharpton. 15. I curse frequently. 16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. 17. I have a hobby. 18. I’ve been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing. 19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. 20. I’m really, really smart. 21. I’ve never broken someone’s bone. 22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal. 23. I hate the rain. 24. I’m paranoid at times. 25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. 26. I need money right now! 27. I love Sushi. 28. I talk really, really fast. 29. I have fresh breath in the morning. 30. I have semi-long hair. 31. I have lost money in Las Vegas. 32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister 33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S. 34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis. 35. I have a twin. 36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashe s in the past. 37. I couldn’t survive without Caller I.D. 38. I like the way that I look sometimes. 39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months. 40. I know how to cornrow. 41. I am usually pessimistic. 42. I have a lot of mood swings. 43. I think prostitution should be legalized. 44. I think Britney Spears is hot. 45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past. 46. I have a hidden talent. 47. I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have. 48. I think that I’m popular. 49. I am currently single. 50. I have kissed someone of the same sex. 51. I enjoy talking on the phone. 52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants. 53. I love to shop. 54. I would rather shop than eat. 55. I would classify myself as ghetto. 56. I’m bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders. 57. I’m obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal. 58. I don’t hate anyone. I dislike them. 59. I’m a pretty good dancer. 60. I don’t think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington. 61. I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother. 62. I have a cell phone. 63. I believe in God. 64. I watch MTV on a daily basis. 65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months. 66. I love drama. 68. I’ve rejected someone before. 69. I currently have a crush on someone. 70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. 71. I want to have children in the future. 72. I have changed a diaper before. 73. I’ve called the cops on a friend before. 74. I bite my nails. 75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club. 76. I’m not allergic to anything. 77. I have a lot to learn. 78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger. 79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube’s newest "Friday" movie. 80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes. 81. I’m online 24/7, even as an away message. 82. I have at least 5 away messages saved. 83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before. 84. I have made a move on a friend’s significant other in the past. 85. I own the "South Park" movie. 86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on Xanga or Livejournal. 87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum. 88. I enjoy some country music. 89. I would die for my best friend. 90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza. 91. I watch soap operas whenever I can. 92. I’m obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist. 93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career. 94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all. 95. I know all the words to Slick Rick’s "Children’s Story". 96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. 97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it. 98. I have dated (or slept with) a close friend’s ex. 99. I have cut my self before. 100. I am happy at this moment.

I think that does describe my basic mood today. I'm looking forward to the weekend. Not just as a break from work. Not just as an excuse to hang out with friends. I have neat and interesting things to do. I've had a good week and it's over now. I have things to look forward too.

And while I don't have a date, which is rare anyways. I do have some opportunities to meet up with her. Hope she'll come dancing. Not number one thing to look for in a girl, but definitely up there, is gotta dance. I don't really care if you can't dance, but have to be willing to still get out there. And a good dancer is gonna catch my attn every time.

Oh well, I just don't the patience to sit here and type this now. I want the weekend to get a move on already!

I just should’ve written last week. It could’ve been a glowing review of Pride or something. It prolly would’ve been titled “Where’s J2?” That was the refrain from last Sunday at Pride. I asked it so many times. Others said it as well. It was rather ridiculous. From the girl who is usually tied to us at the hip kept disappearing. I guess it was the shopping that drew her away from us. For me, it was all old hat. Cursory glance and I was done. I was more interested in the swag and freebies. Had to get my magazines. My Pride wasn’t bad. It wasn’t great, but they never have been. I got to drink on Saturday night and that was good. I think I’ve been doing quite well lately. Don’t usually drink at all when we go out. Or I just have one drink early in the evening. It was kinda a hard switch, changing the mentality. And I’ve wondered if my friends think I’m less fun; I wonder if I'm less fun to be around too. On the one hand I know I am. Cuz it does make me more serious than they are. But if there’s dancing to be had, then I can normally be on their level as well. But I do still like drinking. I can’t explain it. And I don’t know that I even want to fully understand it. As a once in a while thing it’s not bad at all. But I can’t do the gotta have a drink every day deal. Nothing too much has happened in the last week. But at the same time something has totally changed. I’d have bet money that one-day could never change it. I’d have bet that it wasn’t just gonna suddenly do a 180. I’m not really complaining, cuz so far it’s working. But I hope I’ve learned my lesson and won’t extend myself too far. I understand the feelings that prompted the change. But that doesn't just void out everything else that I know as well. I’ve gotta find some middle ground. I get in these funks sometimes. I’m not even sure exactly what it is. A giant cycle? I can handle being alone, on my own. But I think I’m coming to realize it’s better when I’ve actively chosen it. When it’s kinda forced upon me because no one else is available or wants to do what I want, then it weighs heavily upon me. I’m dragged down. Sometimes with a good book I can overcome it. But I just wasn’t in a reading mood yesterday, I guess. Or was it just that I didn’t have the right book to draw my interest? I’ve been reading like crazy lately. One book right after another. Barely any pause in between. I’m not sure that really helps my understanding though. I’ve got less than 2 weeks now to read Life of Pi. I prolly should’ve started it already. But I’ve been delaying that by reading other books so far. My mother just told me, “You need a great relationship to cure that, one with God. There is a satisfaction that fills that void, I know personally.” How are you supposed to respond to that? Say no, that’s not true? Maybe for you, but not for me? My relationship and understanding with God doesn’t work like that? There’s no right answer. Not one that’s gonna satisfy us both. Does she even understand what I’m trying to express? I’m not looking for fulfillment from another individual. And that includes God. They say you gotta be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. And I think that means God too. I’m not going to get into religion or politics here. I usually avoid them both like the plague. I’ve got my views and opinions and I don’t usually feel the need to get into them with others. To each their own, and all that good nonsense. So, still means I was up until 4 am last night. I could’ve joined M1 & N1 at the Café. It wasn’t too late after all when M1 called. I’m glad she did, but I felt bad abt talking so long when she was already hanging out with someone else. Maybe I just need to get back into the habit of calling ppl. Calling my friends, those that live farther away and I don’t get to see all that often. Calling my family that I miss and am so clueless abt their lives these days. I need think beyond the here and now, whatever is directly in front of my face. Sometimes I do feel too self-absorbed. I don’t remember to ask how someone sick is doing. I don’t stay abreast of what’s going on in my friends’ lives, not from curiosity, but from compassion or whatever. It just feels like a cycle cuz I know I’ve been here before. And right now I have no reason to think it won’t come again. I’ve had the travel bug lately. Just wanted to get out and away from it all. But not the retreat from the city that my mother or grandmother even would want. Just from my life now. It’s not how or where I want it to be. And once again the changes to get it to where I’d enjoy it more seem monumental. I don’t know if I’m realistically some place where I can implement them. New home. New job. New gf. Are they just dreams, or are they going to happen soon. How long can I just sit back and wait for them to happen? Is just changing everything the answer? Can I skip steps? Is that just cheating? Will I regret it later? There usually isn’t room for regrets. There’s no going back and all that drivel. Once again many things to think abt. But will I actually devote the necessary effort to it? Or will I just allow myself to be swept up in the next thing? Always looking for something to lose myself in? Ignore what I need to be doing? For the mere sake of the easy? For that which requires no thought, no reflection? I’m done with this. I should be working, but we know how unlikely that is. But I can at least get this published before it’s time to think abt heading out of here. Maybe I do need to find a new focus. Maybe I should volunteer or something. Get me some perspective and shit. I dunno.

So I keep ending up in these weird situations. I’m not even really sure how I manage it. I definitely am not trying, but it still happens. Take last night- supposed to be just a simple night out at the Savoy for a friend of a friend’s birthday. I can’t really call Karen a friend, I barely know her, but she and her gf are nice; I’d like to get to know them better. So I figured it’d be an easy night, no trouble to make it into work on a Saturday morning at 9 am. I’m tired after the gym last night. Barely manage to get thru a quick dinner and shower. By the time I get to the Savoy it’s almost 10 pm. I’m already thinking abt how early all these girls are gonna be leaving. When I see A1 arriving just a head of me, I think I’m good; it’s fine. Get inside, not too many ppl; it’s still kinda early. Wish Karen “happy birthday.” Now what? Only ppl I really know & talk to are A1 & P1. I haven’t seen P1 since the April book club meeting. So I dance and dance and dance a little more. It’s easy when there’s good music. Don’t have to worry abt trying to make lame small talk with near strangers. Hell, you don’t even need to know everyone’s name. I’m more comfortable moving on the dance floor than just standing awkwardly around a table of strangers. Somehow I end up being the last person dancing with some girl I wasn’t introduced to. She was a good dancer and not too bad of a looker, wearing a Superman t-shirt. But since she never even smiled, I don’t think she was all that nice. So while I’m dancing with Super Girl, I see a girl waving at me from the edge of the dance floor. I’m trying to figure out who she is from P1 & A1’s circle. As she comes closer, I realize that it’s someone I know after all. It’s the girl that I had two dates with back in April and hadn’t seen since then. Date Girl comes over, gives me a big ol’ hug, says she hoped I’d be there, and then goes back to her friends. A lil later, Super Girl and I stop dancing- without ever talking, mind you. As I’m walking past Date Girl, she introduces me to her 3 friends. It’s a lil weird, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be saying, and so I go back the birthday group. There’s more awkwardness cuz A1’s ex and her new gf have arrived. When I pass by the ex, I exchange a half hug with her. I’ve made my peace with her months ago and can now tolerate her. I dunno what their deal is, nor do I really want to know. If they’re not talking fine- they don’t gotta go be making it awkward for everyone else. Especially when there are so many other ppl around. I don’t even think they even spoke to each other that night. I slip outside to give M2 a call. See if she is still picking up M1 and heading over to the Savoy later. M2 isn’t picking up M1 until 11:30 at Shoreline Amphitheater. It’s only 10:30 and I’ve done all I care to do at the Savoy. The good songs have already played, and by some fluke I danced to them. Hardly anyone was dancing at the time. But I can deal with that. As long as I’m not the only one person dancing, I can handle it. It’s hot inside and I’m tired of just standing around like a bump on the wall. Everyone seems paired off. And I’m just not in a meet & greet kinda mood. I don’t wanna go up to someone new at the table and introduce myself. There’s ppl at the table that I first met a year ago, and I’ve never had an actual conversation with them. Majority of the ppl though I’ve never even seen before. The drink line is long. It’s starting to get crowded inside. Even the bathroom line is long. So I go back outside. Meander over to my car. Grab out a water. Decide to just walk around the apartments across the street. I have walked around the block before. But I was always walking off the alcohol as I downed my water. Last night, I wasn’t drinking. So I just wanted some alone time. Kill some time before M2 & M1 arrive. When I walk back to the front of the Savoy, I pass Date Girl standing on the corner with one of her friends. They’re standing kinda close; I don’t want to interrupt. Date Girl looks up and sees me. She calls me back over. Tells me that they’re leaving, just waiting for a friend to come outside. We chat a bit abt the SJ Pride festivities that are happening this weekend. Date Girl tells me I should come Sunday back to the Savoy for their party. I went last year. Date Girl asks if I remember where she lives, that I should come over and play some time. She mentions the magnet from Boston. She turns to her friend and explains that I brought her back a magnet from my trip. Date Girl doesn’t say that it was back in April. Yes, this is two months later- but she asks after her magnet! As fate would have it, I’ve got the stupid magnet in my car. So we all head over to my car, and I give her the frog magnet with “Boston” written on it. I joke that it looks like it’s been done in pen. The frog is atrocious and I’ve been wondering what the fuck I’m supposed to do with it. I couldn’t chuck it, cuz what if later Date Girl and I meet back up. But now that’s done and over with. Finito. Oh did I forget to say that during this whole conversation she’s holding hands with her “friend?” Once again, I return to the front of the Savoy. The half of the birthday group that I know is all out front. They make me smile for a few pics. I’m really not feeling it, but it’s a good cause so I try to fake it. P1 and her friend are leaving. A1 and her friend are leaving. Jamie & Nancy are already gone. It’s only 11:30 and they’re leaving. Karen says she and her gf are staying until midnight. I give M2 another call. Let her know that Date Girl is gone- they want to see/meet her. I leave it up to M2 abt coming. She says since they’re already down here, they’ll come. Back inside. More awkwardness around the birthday group’s table. At least this time I get a stool to sit on. Karen & gf go dance, I tag along. Nod at A1’s ex again. Dancing’s alright. They start to replay all those good songs that I’ve already danced to. It’s much more crowded and hot on the dance floor. But that’s better than being empty. They don’t want to dance anymore, but go outside for a smoke. I step in the bathroom. By the time, I get outside I don’t see Karen or her gf. M2 & M1 still aren’t there. So I just take a seat in one of the plastic chairs lined up out front. After a few minutes, they arrive. Thank god, someone I actually know is here! Someone I would like to talk to. Someone I can dance with. But wait M1’s cold, tired and hungry. M2 is making faces with her Mike’s Hard Lemonade. What’s going on here? I’ve been waiting for them for over an hour. It’s nearly midnight now. And we’re just sitting on the couch all dull -ike. Did I miss the memo that it was the Friday closest to the 13th, so it’ll be a weird one? I could’ve just stayed home. Read or watched a movie. Been well rested. Neither wants to go dance. M2’s just drinking her lemonade. M1 had couple of large beers at her concert. Her buzz is wearing off. Now she’s hungry. I’m hungry too, but don’t want to rush M2 and her fabulous lemonade. Now I’ve had that stuff before. I had wanted pear cider and the bartender gave me that as the closest thing. That’s like saying a baseball is similar to an orange. Sure they’re both small and round, but the similarity ends there. Cider and the lemonade are both non-beer alcoholic drinks served in a bottle, but that's all they have in common. Now it’s time for a lil more awkwardness, cuz I haven’t had enough of it just yet. M2 gets a couple of mysterious phone calls. On the last one, I hear her say that we’re still here at the Savoy. I’m a smart girl. I can put two and two together. I know who is gonna be walking up any minute. This isn’t the first time they’ve pulled this on me. Just cuz she’s no longer such a good friend and I hardly talk to her anyone, doesn’t mean you have to spring her on me. I don’t do that to anyone else. I let them know who’s gonna be there. If they don’t wanna come, or need some time to adjust, then that’s only fair. It’s not gonna help the situation, if you’re gonna be all sneaky abt it. Anyways, sure enough here comes C1. The three of us are still just bumps on the log of the couch. Not much happening there. After C1 talks with M1 & M2 briefly, M2 sends me off to go dance with C1. Awkward but not as bad as it could’ve been. I was however surprised to see that J1 was there with C1. I don’t know how much they are hanging out still. After dancing a little bit, the two girls who don’t want to dance join us. By now I’m tired; my feet aren’t holding up so well to dancing so much in my sandals. I hadn’t thought I’d dance all that much when I put them on. I just need more shoes. Nothing more really happened. We danced until closing, which wasn’t even an hour later. We’re standing outside trying to decide if we should go eat or if it’s too late. Everyone breaks off into small groups to talk. I end up with M2. She's just smoking, so she blows smoke at me. Somehow I get her to try inhaling thru her nostril. It burns. I laugh. Then M2 nods her head at me a couple times. I finally look behind me and there’s a girl standing right there. She's kinda cute, and I smile, but I know she's not waiting to hit on either of us. She comes over and says hi. Turns out she's drunk and an acquaintance of J1’s. Even though J1 isn’t standing with us right then the girl wanted to come over and say hi. Her name turns out to be C1! She explains to us that she’s Sicilian, not Mexican. We give her a ride home. It's just down the street and too late for her to take the bus in our opinion. Uneventfully, we end the night at Denny’s. Not the one nearest the Savoy. I think that one has a big taboo on it now. I try to eat well, but it’s hard when there’s not much to choose from. I could’ve gone to sleep right at the table, but I manage to wait until after I’ve driven them back to M1’s car. Get home to a barking dog. Forget that the neighbor's dog is staying over. She’s a loud lil runt. Two cats cowering on my bed. Next thing, I knew it was after 8 this morn and I have to get a run on to make it to work on time. I’ve spent the morning typing this blog and answering the very occasional phone call. Only another hour to go. Then we’ll see if today proves to be any better than last night.

I have been so busy this week at work. Things do 180 all the time. Last week was slow, I remember, most of us barely working. I don’t know what has made the difference this week. I don’t really even have the time to be writing this blog, but you know what, sometimes even I get to take a break. I’m even entitled to spend it however I’d like to. If I had more time I might go into how my weekend was, well since the last post. I did make it to the park to read for a couple hours. That was nice and relaxing. So much so it made me lazy for the rest of the evening and I didn’t join my friends at the Café Saturday night. Sunday I was again feeling the itch to be outside. So I called M2 first. She said she was abt to call me to ask if I wanted to go to Santa Cruz with them. I assumed Santa Cruz = beach. I didn’t find out until they were coming to pick me up, they wanted to go to Santa Cruz Pride. It wasn’t bad, but it just wasn’t what I was in the mood for. The Pride festivities themselves were quite small at a small park. More was happening at the Dakota, but it was just so dark and crowded inside. I just wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t want to complain, nor did I wanna be fake abt it. So I’m just that it just made me more distant. I’m coming down to the nitty-gitty on the gym. Pamela is pushing for results. And this late in the game, I’m not really feeling it. Sure I want results, but if I haven’t gotten them in the first 6 months or 50 sessions, why is the last hard month going to convince me to buy more. No, I’m not gonna totally give up on working out at the gym. But I doubt I am going to continue to pay someone to torture me at it. It’s hard and it’s not something that says with me all day. I guess I’m supposed to be stretching every day, but I rarely think of it and never when I can actually be doing it. Cardio 5 times a week seems excessive and very hard to actually do, when trying to maintain my social life as well. I want to make a change but not to the extent I can’t do anything else that I consider fun. Whether that is hanging out with friends, drinking or eating ice cream. I don’t see that it’s an even exchange. Monday we worked on legs, so tell me why is it my back & shoulders that are sore still?